


We'll Cross That Bridge

by ilien



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Great Depression, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Serum, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 05:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2054607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilien/pseuds/ilien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The man who used to be Bucky Barnes is struggling to regain his memories. It's slow, but sometimes the important parts come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll Cross That Bridge

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by two posts on Tumblr ([this](http://holahydra.tumblr.com/post/92450490586/i-just-now-noticed-that-before-the-finale-battle) and [this](http://holahydra.tumblr.com/post/92451727571/padabeanie-replied-to-your-post-i-just-now)) in which [Holahydra](http://holahydra.tumblr.com) and [Padabeanie](http://padabeanie.tumblr.com) suggested that Steve and Bucky first met on a bridge. I took the idea and ran with it - it didn't turn out exactly the way [Holahydra](http://holahydra.tumblr.com) and [Padabeanie](http://padabeanie.tumblr.com) described it, though.
> 
> Please make sure you've read the tags!

**1**

It’s a lie. Not that big a lie, considering all the lies the Soldier’s been surrounded with in the past seventy years, but still: a lie. Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers weren’t inseparable on school yard.

There’s only a small truth in that lie: they did, in fact, go to the same school. And that would be pretty much the whole scope of their relationship. Well, apart from Rogers being an arrogant punk who always knew everything better than everyone, and never knew when to shut the fuck up. Bucky would beat the shit out of him, for sure, if the bastard hadn’t been coughing all the time.

He’s probably not as surprised as he should be when this memory sneaks up on him like it’s always been there: that stupid video keeps repeating “heroes” and “inseparable” and showing Captain America in all his glory, and he remembers: the little annoying brat said something utterly unforgiveable and is about to get the beating of his life. Bucky is holding the kid’s shirt in his fist while raising the other fist to hit this smug face... and then the kid goes all red-faced and starts coughing his lungs out. You don’t beat someone who’s barely breathing, that’s for sure. So Bucky lets him go and screams for help.

He doesn’t remember what the punk had said to deserve the beating, or what happened next, or why the boy who was Bucky Barnes believed Steve Rogers was an arrogant jerk, to begin with. When he attempts to toggle new memories by replaying this first one, the kid’s face melts, and all he can see is Captain America’s bruised face, “I’m with you till the end of the line”, and how this time the man who is no longer Bucky Barnes didn’t stop.

The Soldier doesn’t know who that Bucky Barnes was: if that little part of his official biography is a lie, there’s no telling which ones are true; probably none at all. He doesn’t know who Steve Rogers is, either: he was the target, he was the-man-on-the-bridge (which bridge was it, anyway? He just remembers “the-man-on-the-bridge”, like a mantra; the rest must have been wiped from his memory), and everything else is a blur. But he desperately wants to be the man whom Steve Rogers considered worthy of his life. He doesn’t even know why he wants it; he just wants to actually deserve all the looks Captain America gave him, and all the loyalty the hero is wasting on an empty shell.

It’s weeks after that first memory when others begin to crawl back, just as subtly as the first one: he remembers Bucky’s serial number–and then Steve’s, he remembers Steve’s favorite color–and only then Bucky’s. Each new memory makes him wonder how the hell he managed to forget something this obvious and important. There’s no knowing why he remembers some things and doesn’t get others: he remembers how Steve hated smoking even though it was prescribed for his asthma (what, did he manage to somehow forget Steve’s asthma?), but he doesn’t remember the name of Bucky’s mother.

He remembers a lot of unimportant yet precious little things. He remembers people calling him “James” (his mother whose name he still doesn’t remember), “Barnes” (someone wearing a uniform, he’s yet to remember who), “Sergeant” (some other uniformed man), and “Bucky” (Steve and quite a few nameless girls). That doesn’t make him James, or Barnes, or Sergeant, and it sure as hell doesn’t make him Bucky. These pieces of memories aren’t even pieces of a puzzle: none of them match each other. Only Steve is there almost all the time.

 

**2**

He knows Captain America and his buddy are looking for him in Bucharest: he planted in a hint or two to throw them off his tail; that means it’s safe to take a walk in Brooklyn.

Instead of a short walk it turns to be a whole day of exploration: he doesn’t recognize a single corner, a single alley. Probably he’s not supposed to, with all the years that passed, but it still frustrates him. So he comes back the next day. And then again, and again, and again, until it’s pretty much his day job: walking around Brooklyn, failing to remember.

But sneaky memories are sneaky (he heard this expression from some teenage girl walking by: she said “smart boys are smart”, it sounded very twenty-first century), and there’s that day in early September, when it’s not even proper fall yet. It’s not dark and it’s not snowing; he has no clue what triggers the memory. It wasn’t here yesterday, and now he remembers: December, 12, 1932. The Soldier still doesn’t remember his mother’s name, but now he remembers this day.

***

_It’s snowing. It’s been snowing, and raining, and snowing again for over a week. It’s half past eight, and the wet snow is turning into ice under the heels of his soaked shoes, it’s getting harder and harder to walk as it does; he’s already slipped twice, and he’s still almost two miles away from home. The bridge is the hardest part: it’s all covered with slippery ice, and the wind and snow there are much stronger. Bucky is hungry and feels utterly sorry for himself. It doesn’t help that most street lights aren’t working, and Bucky can’t see more than two feet away in the snow. He holds on tight to the railing and shuts his eyes: it’s not like the railing will end before the bridge does, he can walk this part with his eyes closed. So he does. Which is exactly why he doesn’t see anyone until he touches someone’s cold fingers and hears a half-breath, half-cough. He opens his eyes with some effort, and finds himself staring right into Steve Rogers’ stupid face._

_Before he even gets to realize what’s happening, he grips the guy’s arm, because it looks like–yeah, that’s exactly what it looks like. Rogers has climbed over the railing and was this close to falling down the bloody bridge._

_“Rogers,” Bucky breathes, shivering. “The fuck?”_

_“Let go, Barnes,” Rogers replies, as if they’re fighting at the schoolyard. “Go mind your own business.”_

_Rogers tries to shake off Bucky’s hand, and thank God he’s too weak for that. Thank God, because while Rogers is fighting him, Bucky gets the chance to look down. It makes his heart skip a bit, just imagining that a second too late – and he would have witnessed Rogers fall down there. Or rather – he wouldn’t have seen anything at all, in this snow. He grabs the guy around his lean shoulders, which makes Rogers fight even harder; it’s still not hard enough, and pretty soon Steve is out of breath. Bucky is out of breath, too: this wet freezing air is hard to breathe, and Bucky’s never been so terrified in his entire life._

_“Stop fighting, Rogers,” Bucky murmurs after a while. “You’re not winning this one.”_

_Rogers sighs, and it comes out more like a cough. There are tears in his eyes, although there’s no telling if they’re from the wind, the cough, or actual crying._

_“Let go, Barnes,” Steve whispers. “Please. Leave.”_

_So, he’s really determined, this one. Bucky has no idea why he’s so desperate to stop the idiot from doing the obviously stupid thing (it’s clear what Rogers is trying to do), none whatsoever, save for this freezing sensation he gets when he looks down. Why would he care if another moron jumps off this bridge? He’ll be the third one since September – and those are only the ones who made it to the newspapers. So, what? Fewer idiots – more jobs. He keeps holding on to Steve’s arm and shoulder like his own, not Steve’s, life depends on it. His brain is rushing and not thinking fast enough. He needs to say something, fast, before the punk finds a way to set himself free._

_“Okay,” his mouth says before his brain catches up, “Okay, I’ll go. On one condition.”_

_Rogers gives him a joyless grin. “And the condition would be that I go with you?”_

_“Nah.” Bucky knows that wouldn’t work. “Like you said, none of my business.”_

_Rogers nods. Or probably he’s just shivering that hard. It makes Bucky want to hold him closer and keep him warm. He notices that Steve’s jacket is way too thin for the weather, even worse than his own._

_“What is it, then?” Rogers asks, but at least, he’s not struggling anymore._

_“Pretty simple, really,” Bucky answers. “Persuade me. You seem to have your mind made up. I’m sure you can explain so that I agree.”_

_Steve sighs with relief. “Okay.” He seems pretty confident persuading won’t be a big deal._

_Bucky has half a dozen scenarios in his mind. Is it because of a girl? I know girls, I’ll teach you how to get her. Is it because you got beat up last week? C’mon, I’ll beat them up twice as much. Is it ‘cos you’re failing math? Trust me I’m even worse at it, but I know this tutor... He has no idea what makes him want to shield the guy from whatever makes him want to jump off that bridge, but here he is–with an answer to every imaginable reason._

_Right until Steve starts to speak._

_“I’m sick,” he says._

_Not a girl. Nothing to do with math. He’s gonna die some painful death, like in the novels, is that it? What do you say to that? He doesn’t ask it out loud, instead, he offers, “We all get sick sometimes.”_

_“Yeah, but me more than others,” Rogers replies._

_Bucky shrugs._

_“That’s true,” Steve says, “I’m always sick. I have asthma, and I’ve just recovered from pneumonia, and I get allergies all spring, and I spend two weeks a month with some cold, and... my mother, she’s got asthma, too. They say, I got it from her.”_

_Bucky’s brain must have finally frozen entirely; he doesn’t know what to say. So he just nods. Steve takes a breath to continue and bursts out coughing. Bucky holds him even tighter, if that’s possible._

_“Last month, I had a fever so bad that doctors told my mum to call a priest.” Steve continues when he’s done coughing. ”She spent all our money on meds, and apples, and doctors for me. We don’t have much money, see,” he explains, as if anyone does nowadays. “And my mum is starving herself. I didn’t notice it at first, but she really wasn’t eating much when I was sick. She just didn’t have any money left for food. Now that I’m better, she eats a little more, but it’s still not enough, and she’s so tired. And she’s got asthma, herself.”_

_They stay silent for some time, shivering in the wind. Bucky notices absent-mindedly that it’s stopped snowing._

_“I’m sick again,” Rogers continues after a while, “I’ve just recovered from that pneumonia, and the doctor said it was a miracle, and now I’m going down with another cold. I might not survive it, of course, but neither will she. She’s not eating. And her boss told her if she misses another shift, he’ll sack her.” Steve’s voice is trembling when speaks, making his words almost unintelligible. “I’m gonna die anyway, see? If not this time then the next, of the one after that, I’m still gonna die, James. It’s just a question of whether or not she does, too.”_

_“It’s Bucky,” Bucky says, just to win some time._

_“What?”_

_“It’s Bucky, not James. Only teachers and my mum call me James.”_

_“Okay. Will you let me go now, Bucky? It’s the right thing to do. I’ve thought a lot about it, there’s no other way.”_

_“What about the rest of the family? Your dad? Brothers, sisters – yours, your mum’s? When my Dad lost a job last year, his brother helped us out for a while.”_

_“No family. There’s–there’s just me and my mum.”_

_“So, what you’re telling me is–you’re your mother’s only family. And she’s willing to starve herself to death to keep you around.”_

_Steve nods. He’s shaking even harder now, and Bucky suddenly wonders why the tears on his cheeks aren’t tuning into ice. Aren’t they supposed to freeze in this weather?_

_And also, Bucky gets angry. He thinks maybe it’s not the right time for him to get angry, but he’s still angry as fuck._

_“You’re such a dickhead,” he says, letting go of Steve’s arm to wave a hand in the air. “You’re telling me you’re all she’s got, you’re saying she’d give her life for you–do you think she’ll live long with you gone?”_

_“She’ll survive this winter,” the idiot says stubbornly. He doesn’t sound very sure._

_“Okay then.” Bucky’s playing dangerously, and he knows he’ll never forgive himself if he fails. “Go ahead. If you think it’s the right thing to do–go ahead. Just wait till I leave, I don’t have to watch it.”_

_He lets Steve go, and that’s the hardest thing he’s done in his life. It’s not snowing anymore, and the wind is not so bad. The ice is still slippery._

_“And by the way, Rogers,” he adds with fake indifference, “I’ve got this friend who works in a hospital. She can get free meds sometimes. In case you change your mind.” It’s a lie. He has no hospital friend. He swears to himself he’ll find a way to get the fucking meds if Rogers still needs them tomorrow. He swears to himself he’ll spend a lifetime getting him all the meds he needs as long as he stays alive._

_Then he turns around and walks away. That’s the second hardest thing he’s done in his life so far._

_Rogers catches up with him a minute later. Bucky takes off his jacked and wraps it around the idiot. Steve doesn’t thank him, but doesn’t protest, either._

***

The Soldier remembers all of it in detail: every word, every sensation (his toes were numb, and his eyes hurt, and there was a faint smell of gasoline in the air). He remembers the silent walk home afterwards: he walked Steve to the door, like a dame. They had to stop a couple of times because Steve kept coughing.

He doesn’t remember anything past the moment Mrs. Rogers shut that door behind Steve. Steve must have gotten very sick after that night. Did Bucky manage to get those meds? Did Steve’s mother survive the winter? How did they go from that to... whatever it is they were in the end? Was it gratitude, what Captain America felt for him? If didn’t look like gratitude. No one lets you beat them to death to thank you for saving their life. And he didn’t save Steve’s life, not really, anyway, did he? That was such a short conversation, there on the bridge; it probably didn’t take more than ten minutes. Are people supposed to base friendships on something like that?..

 

**3**

“You’re not gonna jump, are you?” He hears behind him. "I'm pretty sure it won't kill you, though." He turns around – and finds out that Captain America didn’t stay in Bucharest. He considers running. But the man is smiling at him, how can you run from that?

“I...” He’s not sure why Captain is asking him that, until he looks around. He’s standing on a bridge. He doesn’t remember how he got here.

It’s not just some bridge. It’s the same bridge. If you go down this bridge, you’ll have to turn left, cross the road, and then walk three blocks ahead and turn right. That’s the way home. The bridge looks much smaller than he remembers, but there can be no doubt: it’s the same bloody bridge. It’s probably the same bloody spot.

“Not jumping, no,” he says, pushing down the instincts that tell him to flee, or to attack the target. “Why are you here?”

“Natasha said Bucharest was a bust. She said, you must have tried to get me out of the country.” The Soldier doesn’t know any Natasha, but he nods. “And then I thought–if you don’t want me to find you, I’ll just wait. You always know where to find me.” Here’s this wide amazing smile and the Soldier–he doesn’t want to be the reason it fades.

Still, he says: “I wasn’t looking for you.”

“What were you looking for, then?” Steve asks, not at all upset by the denial.

“Not sure. Just walking.”

“Bucky, listen–“ Steve starts, but the Soldier interrupts him.

“I’m not him, you know. Not your friend. I don’t remember being your friend.”

“And yet. You’re here.”

“Did I get those meds?” He asks, all of a sudden.

“What?” That’s obviously not anything Steve expected.

“I promised to get you your meds, did I get them?”

“Yeah, of course,” Steve answers, still a little surprised, “your friend at the hospital...”

“I didn’t have a friend at the hospital,” he confesses.

Steve shrugs, “I suspected as much. You probably stole them.”

“That doesn’t bother you?”

“It used to. Lately, I got some perspective.”

“As in–I’ve done much worse things than stealing a few bottles of cough mixture.”

“As in–you’re here. I’d personally steal all the cough mixture in the world if it helped keep it that way.”

That’s pretty big of him. The Soldier imagines Captain America, shield, costume and all, heroically stealing a tiny bottle of cough medicine from someone’s night table. And explaining “My friend the assassin really needs this,” when he gets caught. He can’t help but laugh.

“What?” Steve asks.

“Never mind,” Bucky tells him. “I just don’t think I need that much cough mixture.”

**Author's Note:**

> ETA: I really tried to make this fully CA:TWS compliant, despite the derivation from the generally assumed Steve&Bucky history. I'm afraid I failed: I forgot that at some point Bucky mentioned pillow forts they used to build as kids. Now, for this fic we'll have to assume they used to built pillow forts as teenagers :)
> 
> I'm sorry this story isn't betaed. Please feel free to point out any mistakes you can find. 
> 
> Also, if you're checking the end before reading, to make sure it ends well - it does, as well as a CA:TWS fic can end.


End file.
